it’s crazy how such an old wound can resurface just when you think it’s healed. it’s insane how finding a lie so old can hurt you almost the same as if you were still at the same point in time. i don’t understand how something i suspected can make me somewhat shocked and so bothered. when the truth reveals itself i think it’s sometimes too real to handle, even if you were 99% sure of it anyway, because there’s still that 1%. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t care that i was more betrayed than i knew, because reading that brought me back to a nice memory of us; which there are very few of. it’s now ruined. my bliss instantly turned into paranoia and suspicion. i felt safe, but now i know i wasn’t. i know i lost that safety soon after anyway, but i was safe for a moment. now, you ruined that too. but to get over this i have to forgive again no matter how hard it is, and no matter how least you deserve it. you don’t deserve my pain, you don’t deserve my hate, you don’t deserve any part of me. so it’s okay, i’m taking myself back. i can safely say i’m a better person, and as much as revenge and envy tempt me, one day i’ll look back and rejoice in the fact that i did the right thing, no matter how wrongly and deceivingly i was attacked.
it’s my second one in my life and i don’t feel as prepared or as excited as my first show. i’m expecting to mess up (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing) and make a fool out of myself, which i’m not exactly looking forward to. a lot of people i know are coming too. hopefully i can throw away these fears and just have fun. i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t nervous. wish me luck!
why thank you
and now i’m searching through my ipod for other songs that remind me of you. it’ll be 4 years in about a week since you’ve been gone. no one even talks about it anymore, and to be honest i purposely don’t think about you much. it’s hard. i can remember the good times but there’s only so much i can think of, because i can’t make any new memories. it’s not fair. just shy of 14 years is not enough time for us to even begin to know eachother. i was too young to know, and i hadn’t even found myself yet. you never got to know me. i’m fine without you, and i hope you’re proud, but i wish you were here. i don’t relate to anyone else and i never will. i don’t think you knew it, but you were my second half. i don’t know if i’ll ever feel complete. i miss you.
why thank you! God bless you aswell.
thank you! although it’s a new old picture.. i’d tell you what i thought of yours but yours is gray.. you should change that.
Day 1: Your crushes
i don’t think i have any besides the usual celebrity crushes and the occasional tumblr crush that i soon let go because it’s dumb for me to actually think anything will come of it.
Day 2: Your biggest fear
Day 3: Something you hate about yourself
i hate how hard it is for me to let go of people
Day 4: Something you like about yourself
i like that people trust me
Day 5: Something you regret
the only thing i can say i regret, even though i try not to regret, is letting my friend smoke when we were younger. but there’s a long story to this.
Day 6: Something you pretend to hate but secretly like
hmmm. i really don’t know.
Day 7: Something nobody knows about you
oh wow. um. i’ve written songs since i was about 9.
Day 8: Something embarrassing
when i hear the word embarrassing the first thing that comes to mind is when this guy in 8th grade led me on, so i started to like him and gave him my number the day before christmas break. he never called and when we got back he told all the guys in math class about it while i was right there, like literally right behind my back. they all laughed and asked me stuff. i went home ‘sick’ because i couldn’t face him the next two classes.
although i embarrass myself daily.
Day 9: Someone you hate
i can honestly say i don’t hate anyone, but i dislike a few.
Day 10: Someone you love
i try to love everyone but i love my family and friends unconditionally.
Day 11: One thing you wish you could do without anyone knowing
honestly, meet some pretty awesome people in person that i’ve met online.
Day 12: One thing you would confess to your best friend
there’s three people that come to mind when someone says bestfriend so i’ll do all of them.
1 - i go on your facebook without you knowing even though you said it’s okay, i feel weird about it sometimes.
2 - i think your girlfriends a fake and i know you two won’t last, i can’t bear to see you get heartbroken again though. i don’t know what to do because you won’t listen.
3 - i know school is your main priority but i wish you’d see how much i need you sometimes.
Day 13: One thing you would confess to your parents
dad - i got mom to hide it from you when i got in trouble for doing something to that guy on the corner, because she hid it from you when my brother got a drinking ticket.
mom - 99% of the time you’re the reason i’m stressed, depressed, or have given up, but i can’t tell you this because you’re so down on yourself.
Day 14: One thing you would confess to your crush
once i find you i really just want you to be honest, and be done with all of this mess.
Day 15: Anything else you want to confess
the friends that are there for me the most, i’ve met online. i wish this wasn’t judged so harshly.
to keep my chin up, to stay positive, to keep a smile on my face. i can honestly say this is the hardest i’ve fought depression without it winning, so i’m proud, but i still don’t feel like myself. a constant battle is mostly just faking it. i want to stay in bed for days on end. i want to cuddle up with blankets and watch reruns by myself until i go numb. i want to drink coffee until i get sick. i don’t want to do anything, i don’t want to go anywhere, i don’t want to talk to anyone, but i’m doing it anyway. it’s hard, but i’m trying my best. i’m addicted to acoustic music while i’m like this. it just feels weird.